A Cultural Dictionary of Dick

WWOZ just played a song called, Cum Into My Mouth, I assume by accident because it was interrupted two verses in by a PSA.

1.

4th grade. I have a school friend, Jackie. I’ve been invited to Jackie’s Dad’s apartment to watch a movie. This is the first time I’m aware of someone’s parents being divorced. This is also the first time I’m made aware of the existence of VCR’s. Jackie just refers to it as the ‘movie machine.’ You mean you can stop the movie to go pee or get something from the kitchen? And you can watch it again and again? I assume that Jackie’s Dad is rich. How else could he afford such a thing — and a big fish tank with all sorts of tropical fish and a tiny shark. Jackie says the tiny shark can be ours, together.

We watch The Last Unicorn, which I love.

Later that year Jackie and I will participate in the couple’s skate at her Skate Land birthday party. We will decide to play at being a couple and hold hands because we don’t want to stop skating for an entire song.

2.

4th grade. I’ve been invited to the movies by a school friend, Alison. We are left at the theater by her mom. My parents have never done this, just dropped me off somewhere.

I’ve never been to a double feature before. The first movie is Savanna Smiles, a saccharine kid’s movie about two lovable crooks who accidentally kidnap the equally lovable rich kid, Savanna. The crooks turn out to be better parents than Savanna’s own parents, but they still go to jail at the end. There’s also a puppy eating ice cream in there somewhere too. Alison and I are equally choked up by the time it’s over.

The second movie is Time Bandits, witch totally fucks with my little 4th grade head. Whoever chose to put these to films together for a children’s matinee, must have been of the same ilk that reedited Gillium’s Brazil and tried to market it as a kids movie.

Time Bandits continually draws me in with it’s promise of heroes to look up to, only to pull the magic carpet out from under of my size fives and leave me lying in a pool of farce and satire that I do not understand.

It also introduces to my mind, the idea of an indifferent god. Which horrifies me.

Then comes the end and the exploding parents.

3.

Junior High. I’m tired of having to lie about never having had a girlfriend. I ask Alison to a movie. I’ve not really talked much to Alison since our play-date in the 4th grade.

I assume since I am a Christian, my girlfriend must be one also. I ask Alison if she believes in God, and she says no. She shrugs off the idea like it’s the silliest thing she’s ever heard.

I cannot enjoy this girl’s company for the rest of the date. I don’t want a girlfriend who is going to Hell.

1.

I’m 34. I live with my best friend, Neal. One of our porter cats has been missing for a few days. This is unusual, so Neal drives to the pound to make sure she hasn’t been picked up. We can’t keep a collar on her.

When Neal returns, he says that he put his name on the list for a Dalmatian puppy. Apparently it was love at first sight. 

This worries me a little. Everything I’ve heard about Dalmatians is bad. They’re mean. They’re crazy. They’re dumb. Rosemary has a friend who came home one day to find her Dalmatian had smothered to death in a box of cereal. 

Michael from work: If that was my dog, I think I’d have to burry it with the box on it’s head. 

I also don’t want to make the mistake again of living with a dog that I have no idea how to train. (see Three Memories No. 9)

None of my concerns seem to weaken Neals want for that shivering, doe-eyed, spotty puppy. He brings her home a week later. He names her Delilah, after the Freddy Mercury song.

The lost cat returns, acting as if nothing is out of the ordinary.

Lilah will grow into an intelligent, obedient, and affectionate adult. Whenever Neal is out of town, she will sleep on the floor, against the front door.   

2.

Delilah is still a puppy, but she’s huge. Neal comes home one day to find a half-eaten leather wrist band. It seems apparent that Lilah has eaten three or four metal eyelets. He rushes her to the vet. The vet can’t seem to identify anything on the x-ray, but says that this doesn’t mean they’re not in there. He instructs Neal to take Lilah home, feed her a loaf of bread and inspect her stool for several days. I watch as Neal tosses slice after slice of bread across the room. Lilah doesn’t miss one. She must think she’s being rewarded.   

Neal will spray Lilah’s turds apart with a hose for a week and never find any eyelets. Lilah will show no signs of distress or pain. 

The useless x-ray cost Neal $150. 

3. 

Neal and I are watching talking animal videos on You-Tube. There’s a Dalmatian that says hello. It will take less than a week for Neal to teach Lilah this trick. 

Power Sass

Slutty New Jorts

Let Them Brush Your Rock ‘n’ Hair

Always Crashing In The Same Car

Rearender’s Game

Captain Pansy

Whore-Ribald

Fine Artie

Come On Ride The Train They Call The City Of New Orleans, And Ride It.

I Calculate My Distance From Ground Zero

Spanx For The Memories

Alexander Scotchgard

High Dollar Nuts

Pierre et Guileless